Super Squirrels.

Deep within the heart of Madison Square Park, there lurks a growing threat: that of the Super Squirrel. Having feasted off of Danny Meyer’s potent blend of Pat LaFrieda patties and concrete shakes for almost a decade, these steroidal rats in fur coats have quietly been growing strong, fearless and capable. They have been studying human behavior up close and can now effortlessly emulate the characteristics of the stereotypical urban street tough. Don’t believe me? Go eat lunch there.squirrelThe size of small cats, they clamber up on to your table where you are unwittingly shoving hot crinkle fries into your maw. They rear up and will stare you unblinkingly in the eye. They’ll dare you to blink, bitch. If you raise your hand as if to swat them away… they do not flinch. If you yell at them, these squirrels do not run. They want your goddamn Double Shackburger. They want it now. And having seen the way they can manipulate a packet of mayonnaise open, I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time until they have cultivated the ability to operate an iPhone. And all their Instragram photos will be of Shake Shack cheeseburgers. No joke.

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